Realisations
by FadingWinter
Summary: What if other things took place that night Sonea noticed Akkarin watching her sleep? Actions which led to confusion, guilt, but most of all new realisations for both of them? Lots of unresolved tension. COMPLETE
1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1

Sonea threw down her bag, loaded with heavy books from her Healing lesson that afternoon. She knew she should make a head start on the homework, but that just had to wait. She may be the High Lord's favorite, and her teachers expectations of her were a lot, but she was feeling too stressed and tired to care at the moment. _A warm bath is what I need right now_, she thought. A while alone to just think things over. But she let out a groan as she remembered that she had to dine with the High Lord in an hour.

Sonea quickly gathered fresh robes and her half-finished cup of raka, heading out of her room and down the corridor to reach the guest bathroom which had been reserved for her use only. As she passed the slightly ajar door to Akkarin's bedroom, she averted her eyes and looked straight ahead. But she still caught a glimpse of him in his dark robes, and from what she had seen, he seemed to be sitting on the edge of his bed, holding something in his right hand, yet what it was she didn't know, for his door had obscured the sight.

She let out her breath as she reached the bathroom door, realizing that her pace had quickened unconsciously. She slipped inside silently, locking the door by sending the softest bout of magical energy to secure the handle. Sighing in relief as the warm water filled the white marble tub, she eased out of her robes and sunk into bubbly water, still feeling a little awkward as she wasn't used to such luxury, even at the Baths on the edge of the Guild grounds. But she tried to clear her head, taking a sip from her raka and relaxing as much as her mind would allow her to.

Akkarin sighed, slowly lowering the book he was reading. He could hear the water splashing slowly from the end of the corridor, and even such a soft sound wasn't helping his headache. He used some more healing energy for around the tenth time, and momentarily lay back contentedly as the pain subsided. He had noticed Sonea's tentative glance into his room as she practically ran past. He felt a pang of annoyance but then he couldn't help smiling. She had always been too proud to admit how intimidated she was by him. But lately he often caught her a bit more comfortable in his presence.

Yet these were rare times in which Sonea and he didn't have other things on their minds. Akkarin knew she missed her family in the slums, and Rothen who had been like a father figure to her. He felt a pang of guilt as he remembered how he had parted them when they had been most happy. And he hadn't improved in Sonea's eyes; she must still see him as the heartless black magician who happened to be in a position of great authority. Though after a while…she seemed to trust him a little…

Akkarin's gaze was thoughtful as he wondered what he may mean to her. But he knew it was just wishful thinking, and he felt disgusted for these things he had been feeling for a while. He was her guardian and High Lord; and he found this girl far too attractive, but not only physically. _Ironic, really_, he thought, getting off the bed. His headache was gone thankfully, and yet it seemed to have been replaced by a huge weight upon his chest, and only one thought on his mind. Sonea.

He couldn't help but watch her at all spare moments; the way her dark eyes narrowed when she was concentrating, her fierce determination as she improved in her magical abilities and how her gaze held a strong power which he felt irresistible. He felt so tired of such thoughts and how weakly he controlled these feelings. And on top of all that there was the soft guilt and lingering loyalty he felt towards _her_... the woman whom he used to love...

_But she's gone now, and will never return, therefore there is no point in restricting my emotions,_ he told himself logically, for what felt like the millionth time. _It was something which was taken away before it barely begun, and I cannot love a memory for the rest of my life... _He argued with his concsience, even though he remembered promising to himself that he could never care for another as deeply...

He heard the lock of the bathroom down the hall click open, thankfully interrupting his thoughts, and Sonea walked past his door at a steadier pace, drying her wet hair with the short cloth in her hand.

Akkarin sighed inwardly, thinking that anything he was feeling had to be physical attraction, and absolutely nothing more than that. Re-tying his hair which he had run his hands through in annoyance many times, he slowly headed to the dining room.

She looked carefully at Akkarin, without making it too obvious, as she accepted the seat Takan had drawn out for her. There was definitely a subdued look in his eyes, yet that was nothing new. He always seemed to be thinking of other things yet always was attentive to the present at the same time.

'How were your lessons today Sonea?' He asked as he always did, holding out his glass as Takan poured in some dark red wine.

Sonea cast about frantically for an answer, trying to think of anything new she had done that day. She always succeeded without really concentrating in her studies. 'We did some more work on complex illusions…and just began learning the basics of sending a mindstrike.'

Akkarin nodded and returned to his food, which Sonea found really unusual. He nearly always had some good advice for her on any new subject they might be learning. He glanced up at her and Sonea hurriedly dropped her gaze to her plate the moment his sharp gaze met hers.

The rest of their dinner past in a heavy silence and Sonea did not dare look up at him again. He obviously had something important on his mind, but whatever it was, she didn't know. _I don't really care anyway_, she thought uncertainly. She had enough to deal with as it was. Besides, what did it matter? Akkarin was merely her guardian and a black magician who had taken her hostage. But lately Sonea had been wondering whether there was a good reason for all he had done.

Sonea sighed and put down her food, raising herself and bowing briefly to the man in front of her. 'May I be excused, High Lord?'

Akkarin nodded and took another sip from his glass. 'Goodnight, Sonea.' He still seemed very distracted, but Sonea did not intend to pry further at all. Relieved to have escaped from his presence, which brought up too many mixed emotions in her, she nearly ran up the stairs to her room and shut the door.

Creating a small globelight, she changed hurriedly and carelessly, throwing on the linen nightgown and picking a book from the many on her shelves, setting it down beside her bed to read. Untying her hair and not having the patience to give it a brush, she merely walked over to her window, staring over the Guild grounds bathed in moonlight. Yet her gaze slid to the dark sky, and she was content to just watch the stars for a while, until she was yawning too frequently to stay there.

Making her way back to her bed, Sonea tried to fall into a dreamless and deep sleep; something she had failed at for a few nights. And she most certainly did not want to think of the reasons for her uneasy nights, nights which found her lying in her bed with her head buzzing in exhaustion.

He had to sleep. He had to distract himself. Otherwise he would do something he would regret. Tossing the empty wine bottle aside, Akkarin took off his black robes and threw them into his wardrobe. He just couldn't stop thinking about Sonea. He had noticed how she had changed while she was in his presence, and hated himself for it. He snorted to himself as he remembered his previous hopes. It was just his foolish interpretation of her so-called "feelings" for him; it was obvious the girl was only feeling suspicion and fright.

She was so cautious, so formal and she obviously didn't trust him enough to voice her real thoughts. If only he could explain everything to her, the threat of the Ichani and his practice of black magic only to protect Kyralia. But for some reason, the timing had never been right, and never had he trusted her to believe him.

He sighed and approached the wine cabinet. He really should stop drinking for tonight, even though he was far from drunk. He was just beginning to feel it's effects, that's all, and these effects usually made him feel bolder than usual. Setting his glass down, he walked over to his large balcony, staring at the night sky. He had never felt so many emotions over a person before except for the first woman whom he had loved.

Akkarin's eyes widened. _Surely I do not love Sonea?_ He questioned himself. _No_, he thought. _I don't. I'm her guardian and I'm much older than her. I just find her physically attractive, that's all- there is no emotion involved,_ he thought defiantly.

"What am I thinking..." he murmured to himself softly, shaking his head at his lie. He longed to see her, to hold her, to give her the love she deserved from him after so much hardship. But she would never accept it. She hated him. She would be horrified. And he couldn't stand this thought.

He sat on a couch, thinking vaguely of reading to help him sleep and divert his thoughts. But the moment he lay down he knew there was no way this could work. He wanted her so much and yet there was no way he could have this... privilege.

Or wasn't there? He knew what he could do. But it was too terrible…Or was it? He had gone through so much for others, and yet even Sonea was denied to him. It was enough. He had power, he had the authority. No one would question his statement, and no one would believe a novice over him. He could continue to use Rothen's safety as means of making sure she refused a truth read.

Yet he knew if he did this, any hope of Sonea ever loving him would go. But was it even_ there_ in the first place, for him to be worrying about it _going?_

Obviously she never loved him and probably never would, and if he didn't have her by force, he never would otherwise anyway. And Akkarin had had enough and felt sick of so much denied to him, so much he had to sacrifice in the past for others and get nothing in return from them- only resentment. He had never wanted anything until now; and now that he did, he knew he could never have it. And he couldn't stand it. Not anymore. The day Dakova had forbidden him to be with _her,_ was the day he had promised himself that this was the last time he silently abided by another's imposed restrictions upon himself.

Standing abruptly, he grabbed his robes and slipped into them, tying the sash of the black material. This was the only time he had wanted Sonea so much, and he would not be deprived of her tonight, even if this meant he could never forgive himself. _Besides_, Akkarin thought to himself with a self-mocking smile, _my list of unforgivable deeds has grown too long for me to compensate..._


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

Her eyes starting to get too heavy to lift, Sonea lay in bed without a sound, listening to the distant swish of leaves in the wind. It was a calm, silent night in Imardin. Her gaze lingered on the soft pool of moonlight at the foot of her bed, coming through her window. There was a full moon tonight…_the eye is open_, she thought, then laughed quietly at herself for remembering the old superstition Cery had told her.

She wondered what Cery was doing in the slums for a while, before her thoughts slid hastily to Akkarin. She shook her head fast, hoping to clear her mind, but she knew she couldn't. _Not again_, she thought, frustrated. Why did he have to enter her thoughts at this time? She guessed this was when most of her deep feelings arose before she went to sleep. _Deep feelings? _She questioned herself. _Surely this interest I've had in Akkarin is just a foolish twinge of awe or even intimidation. _

He had seemed so tired at dinner, as if he was experiencing some sort of emotional battle inside. Sonea wished there was something she could do to ease his hurt, whatever it was. She slapped a hand to her forehead. _There I go again,_ she thought angrily. _Why am I even caring about his feelings? He took me hostage, parted me from Rothen, and made me feel so threatened that I didn't even dare to make friends._

Still….he seemed to be a good person, if not sarcastic and imposing. But Sonea knew the only thing which made him intimidating to her was because he was so mysterious. Yet at the same time, obviously intelligent and powerful. But there was always a mystery, always an unknown when it came to him. And this was so very, very oddly attractive in her eyes.

Finally dragging her mind away from Akkarin, and scolding herself once more for being so distracted in the first place, she mustered the energy to lift her book off her stomach and put it clumsily on her table, then pulled the cover closer to her chest and closed her eyes. An owl hooted in the distance.

She was almost slipping out of consciousness when she sensed, rather than heard, another presence in her room.

Heartbeat quickening, she peered into the darkness through her eyelashes, trying to not make a sudden move. A tall, dark cloaked figure, was holding a weak globelight and moving from the door towards her bed. She felt panic rising within her, and her head spinned. _Calm down and think_, she told herself. This was obviously a magician, so it would be unwise to throw a shield around herself, for they would know she was awake. _But what else am I going to do? If I stay here any longer it will reach me…_

But this was no time for questions. As the cloaked figure reached the foot of her bed and extended a pale hand, Sonea drew in a large amount of power and sent it with maximum force in a heatstrike. But her strike lingered slowly in front of the figure before it disappeared harmlessly.

The cloaked figure merely let out a soft chuckle and took another step towards her. And Sonea froze in shock as she recognized the voice.

Akkarin didn't think he would ever be able to forget Sonea's expression when she had recognized him. It had suddenly made him extremely aware of what he was about to do. But he couldn't stop himself. The feelings inside him which kept crying out how wrong this was simply watched, as the emotions in charge made him extend a hand and gently yet firmly stroke Sonea's face, resting when it came upon her chin, lifting it up and forcing her to look at him.

'Ak- High Lord,' Sonea stuttered, 'wh-…' But she suddenly stopped as Akkarin spoke.

'I wouldn't advise you to scream, since no one will hear you here, or use magic, because I am more powerful than you.' He spoke softly, yet with a hint of amusement. Sonea made a few more feeble attempts at sending him hidden strikes, but Akkarin created an invisible shield close to his skin, and resumed his study of her. Her dark eyes were wide with shock, and there was a vague red flush on her cheeks. He slid his eyes from her face down to her neck and shoulders, his gaze so focused that he almost felt like it would scorch her skin...

_She is so lovely, so strong…so forbidden to me._ He thought to himself, feeling a familiar surge of anger. Enough was enough….only here and now mattered. And now, she was very much his.

He softly touched her leg and pulled up her gown slowly. She was still gazing at him wide-eyed, shocked. Yet she didn't drop her gaze from his. Sonea didn't break down or sob as Akkarin tugged at her gown, or when he took her arm and pulled her under him. But she did look away, when comprehension of being partially naked and defenseless dawned on her.

_Stop! Don't do this!_ Something seemed to be screaming inside him. But he knew he couldn't. He couldn't stop now. She was trying to get out from under him, struggling with the force which kept her down. Akkarin grabbed her chin, stopping her movement. He couldn't hold himself any longer; in one movement, he forced his lips on hers.

Sonea couldn't believe what was happening. It was so terrible yet so wonderful at the same time. _This is rape!_ Said a voice in her head. But was it? How could it be, when she didn't want him to stop? She froze for one second, hardly believing what she had kept from herself. But it was true.

Sonea stopped struggling. She knew she should let him know how much she wanted him, but…she just…couldn't. The situation was so sudden, so bizarre that her mind couldn't make a proper decision. It was too much but too little as well.

Suddenly she was drawn out of her thoughts with a yelp as she felt Akkarin's hands touch her breasts softly. He crushed her lips with his to muffle the sound, his hands working lower down her body slowly but firmly, leaving red marks where he pressed too hard on her skin.

Lost in these new sensations, Sonea shakily tried to respond to his kiss, tasting wine on his lips. _I have to tell him my feelings now_, _or respond,_ she thought, _so he wouldn't carry on forcefully._

But as soon as Sonea's small palms made contact with his skin, he jumped back and in one swift movement, pinned her arms above her head.

'Don't fight me,' he hissed at her angrily.

'But I –, started Sonea, completely confused, but before she could explain, he covered her mouth with his hand and leaned close to her ear.

"The more you attempt to hurt me," he said, tenderly putting a loose strand of hair behind her ear, "the less enjoyable this will be for you," he whispered, harshly pulling the same strand of hair in extreme contrast to the previous gentle gesture. She flinched away. "But struggle Sonea, by all means. I find it so much more... impressive."

He pulled his hand away from her mouth and Sonea drew in a shuddering breath, unable to move as his hands worked their way up her legs. She shivered as he exposed more of her skin, even though her room was quite warm. _Breathe. Breathe. Don't forget to breathe, _Sonea reminded herself as she felt Akkarin's hands dance over her body- those skilled and strong yet elegant hands which she had long stared at, transfixed. His hands were cold now, making her shiver upon contact with her flushed skin.

Sonea was brought out of her thoughts with a gasp as she felt Akkarin slide the rest of her robe off her and throw it in a corner. He silenced her gasp with another devouring kiss, which seemed to last forever but ended too soon. In the split second when they both pulled away and caught their breath, Sonea's wary glance met his hard dark eyes which seemed to be filled with ... _guilt?_ She was sure she had imagined it the next moment, as the hungry glint in his eye returned with such intensity that she pulled away from him with a tiny whimper, only to feel ashamed at how pathetic she sounded. Drawing some of her power, she sent it at him in a strong forcestrike.

For a moment Sonea thought it hadn't worked. Then Akkarin suddenly doubled up and let out a gasp. His shield must have wavered dangerously, but he seemed fine the next moment. He glanced up at her and his mouth curled at the side into a little half-smile, that sly, soft smile which had always made Sonea's legs feel weak enough with fear to give beneath her.

She felt so distracted by this that it took a while for her to realize that he was gradually moving upwards until Sonea was held down by the weight of his body and his face was level with her's. His smile widened, as if immensely pleased that she had just sent enough force at him to fling him across the room.

Gently he raised a finger and traced her lips, her cheek, her brow. "Such power you have, Sonea. It's a waste to direct it at hurting me," Akkarin said, letting out a low chuckle and running his hands down her back in long, slow strokes. Sonea let out an involuntary sigh and closed her eyes. She felt his breath at her neck, followed by soft kisses which went down to her shoulders. She opened her eyes with a shiver. The full moon had obviously been obscured by clouds, since the light in the room was extremely faint; a slight glow coming from the stars alone. She'd have thought it was all a dream if it weren't for the feeling of Akkarin's weight on her and the brush of his long dark hair on her skin.

He still had his black robes on, he was so composed, still so intimidating. She felt a little thrill of almost pleasurable fear run down her back at the sight, but it also made her suddenly very aware of who he was, the difference in their status, and what she was allowing him to do. Sensing her stiffen abruptly, Akkarin stopped to look at her. "Come now, I told you I won't hurt you," he said, standing up to undo the sash of his robes. The dark, heavy material fell to the floor silently as he moved into shadow, then back onto the bed. Sonea- all doubts nearly forgotten- jumped a little at the contact of his skin on her's, letting out a deep sigh of what she knew, inwardly, could only be contentment.

He gripped her waist with his hands, following the curves of her small body down to her hips. Sonea felt like her voice and mind had completely abandoned her and she couldn't get either to co-operate. All she was able to do was what she felt was right; so she lifted her arms to rest her hands on his back. She felt him tense a little at her touch, as if he was determined not to feel it. She couldn't help but softly trace the muscles of his back and shoulders, which felt like they were strained and tired. Her hands slid down his shoulders to his arms, and Sonea's eyes widened a little as she saw his inner forearm, which was crisscrossed with thin scars. She lifted a finger to touch, but thought better of it. Instead, she slid her hand down to his palm. She felt his small, almost inaudible intake of breath when she slowly, almost hesitantly and cautiously, linked her fingers with his.

For a moment Akkarin didn't even dare to breathe, fearing that it would cause him to wake up and find his hand was merely curled a corner of his pillow. But eventually, he took a deep breath. Her hand was still clasped in his. He let out his breath steadily, and it was still there, small, warm and holding his. Such a small gesture, but it suddenly changed so much in him.

_What am I doing? I cannot do this. _Arranging his face in a mask of calmness was more harder than it ever was; the amount of contradictory feelings he was experiencing astounded him. But eventually he managed it, and reluctantly yet firmly distangled his fingers from hers. He pushed himself to his feet and in one movement, slipped into his robes. When he finished tying the black sash, he had already made up his mind. This was more than physical attraction, and he couldn't risk such a thing.

And why hadn't she struggled? Called for help? It wasn't like her to give up easily. _Unless... the desire was mutual?_ Hopes which he had been trying to quench for a long time threatened to surface again.

Sonea seemed to waver confusedly, and then managed to find her voice.

"A-Akkarin, I- "

He took a deep breath. _Her safety and place in the Guild are more important than either of our feelings. _So he turned to her, eyes hard as ice. "I don't recall allowing you to adress me by my name," he said sharply, hating himself. But the feeling didn't invoke any reactions anymore. What did it matter if he burdened himself with even more regret?

Ah, but he knew it did matter when he saw the hurt and confusion in Sonea's eyes. Then she set her jaw tightly, face stiff and unexpressive, though he saw that her eyes glistened with moisture when they caught the moonlight. So very much like him, she was.

He turned away and willed a globelight into existence, wordlessly striding towards the door. For a moment he paused, then glanced at her, his expression still managing to remain unreadable. "Speak of this to anyone, and you know what is at stake." he said softly, stepping out.

Sonea sat up, staring unblinkingly at the empty doorway and listening to his footfalls slowly fade away. Each felt like huge blows on her chest instead of faint taps. She couldn't understand what had happened. It didn't quite soak in. Feeling numb with disbelief, shock and what felt like hurt, she lay back into the crumpled sheets. Tears threatened to fall, and for once she neither felt nor stopped them.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

Sonea breathed in the cool, stinging air of the morning. It was unusually cold for the season, but she sighed in contentment at the sharp freshness. The Guild was always quiet in these early hours, about an hour before most people started to get up and prepare for their classes. There were one or two people about, all of them familiar faces to Sonea. "Morning," she said to a fellow novice whom she knew from sight but not name as they passed eachother, a familiar procedure between her and the other early novices.

After a refreshing half hour in the Baths, she walked back to her favourite bench in the gardens and took out a book, drying her hair with one hand, just as the sun began to defeat the clouds and the gardens were drenched in tentative, early sunlight.

--

Akkarin stood distractedly at the window of Lorlen's office, gazing outside as he waited for the Administrator to get his cup of tea and meet him. His eyes focused on the single figure seated on the bench nearby, her dark hair without it's usual shine since it looked pretty damp. Just looking at her, sitting there morosely, evoked feelings of almost fierce care and an urge to keep her from any kind of harm. He shook his head in resignation. He felt too attached and it was amazingly inconvenient. A small voice at the back of his head, the almost-extinguished voice of the young, daring Akkarin who had set off out of the Guild gates so many years ago, told him to stop looking at things in terms of convenience or propriety. So far, this voice had defeated every excuse he came up with that this was a bad idea, all expect the arguments that the difference in their status was considerable and that she may hate him after the stupid mistake he made that night.

He groaned inwardly as he remembered the events of that night. If only he had drank a lot more and passed out or something. Anything to have stopped him from nearly doing such a horrible act. But one thing he had been puzzling over ever since; how Sonea hadn't struggled much at all. She may have simply been shocked, overwhelmed... but what about when she held his hand? That was obviously not what someone in terror would do.

Akkarin sighed in agitation and continued to watch her absentmindedly drying her hair. Ever since that night this train of thought had been playing on and on in his head. First an unexplainably protective reaction everytime he saw her, then desire, then hatred for his own weakness, going over the impossibility of such a relationship, then tripping to a halt when he reached that part. That part when she held his hand. It was like a trigger which set things in motion that he realised he had had for a long time, but hadn't yet... unlocked.

Lorlen walked into the room behind him, sipping his tea and setting some papers on his desk. He walked up to his friend, who looked completely absent from the moment, eyes boring at something outside with unnerving intensity. He leaned forward to see that this person who had captured his friends undivided attention was in fact Sonea.

"You're worried about her, aren't you?" he asked.

Akkarin showed no signs of breaking his focus, but his eyes stopped looking so clouded, as if his soul had re-entered his body and returned to the present. "Well, obviously, as I am her guardian."

Lorlen raised an eyebrow, "Since when have you harboured such protective, paternal feelings for anyone?"

"Protective, yes," Akkarin answered, and added, _though not quite paternal,_ to himself. "I'm simply anxious that she does well. She's the first novice I've been a guardian of afterall, so I don't want anyone thinking the High Lord isn't supportive enough of his novice."

"I think most know by now that she is sufficiently successful and sufficiently miserable under your care," Lorlen frowned, and returned to his desk. "I still don't understand why you did it. I know you said her potential was being wasted. But why make the seperation from Rothen so abrupt? She was just settling in, being accepted as an equal by her fellows-"

Akkarin sighed and turned away, rubbing his temples.

"-and now you've ensured she never fits in, not as long as she bears that incal on her sleeve and your constant high expectations of her aren't exactly comforting-"

"Lorlen, please," Akkarin interrupted, turning to his friend. He simply looked tired, not angry. "I know. I know all the things you're pointing out, and believe me, I hate myself for them all in equal measure. You've been my only real friend for a very long time, and I hoped that you, of all people, would understand that this is a subject better dropped."

Lorlen sighed and drained the last of his tea. "I'm only concerned for your well-being, and this whole thing hasn't seem to have been easy on your nerves. And, as always, I get the strong feeling you aren't telling me a crucial part of the matter. But I won't press on, because I know I'll lose," he smiled crookedly.

"And I truly appreciate that," Akkarin said fondly. "Well, Administrator, I'll leave you to it now. Plenty of complaints from our little family to solve."

Lorlen groaned in frustration at the prospect, then shivered. "Ugh, I've been meaning to move out of this draughty office for so long- I can never find the source of this cold air! Hadn't you said you'd look into it, Akkarin?"

"I haven't had the time recently, but I'll be sure to ah... investigate," Akkarin said with a small smile, and walked out of the office.

--

As Sonea's final class drifted to an end, she gathered her books and walked out into the garden, heading straight for the High Lord's residence, subconciously. But then she stopped herself. Ever since that night, she had been- almost without meaning to- eager to see Akkarin, even if it was from a distance. _Especially_ if it was from a distance, actually- most preferably where he couldn't see her unwavering gaze and the reddening of her cheeks.

She sighed to herself. She didn't want to feel this way. It made everything so complicated. This was the man who had caused her misery for months, caused her to isolate herself from anyone she cared for. _It's lust, it's simply desire_, she said to herself for what felt like the millionth time. And she knew it was the truth- but only a part of it. Unfortunately, that small part was the one she absolutely refused to acknowledge.

She wanted to change direction and head towards the arena instead, and hope that there would be an interesting battle or practical lesson going on to keep her distracted, but her bag weighed heavy on shoulder, and the urge to drop her things off in her room was too great. With an inner groan of reluctance, she headed towards the grey, unostentatious building behind the gardens.

The door swung inward at her touch, as always. It was a simple bout of magic-one that she herself had learned and hurriedly put on her bedroom door after that night, making sure the door only recognised and admitted her touch. A part of her, though she hardly ever admitted it to herself, had the almost sick desire to leave the door uncharmed and allow _him_ access. Sonea sighed in frustration again and dumped her stuff on her bed, then turned to gaze out her window. _I'm only human_, she reassured herself. _It isn't a sin to feel sexual desire. And that's all there is to it._

"Sonea."

Sonea almost jumped out of her skin at hearing him utter her name at what seemed like very close proximity. She spun around to see Akkarin standing outside her door, a good metre back in the hallway. After making sure her voice wouldn't waver, she answered him. "Yes, High Lord?"

A fleeting expression of regret crossed his face at the way she adressed him, but it was so brief that the cold mask was back in place when Sonea blinked. "I wanted to inform you that the Administrator will be dining with us tonight. I've contacted Lord Yikmo already and your evening lesson is cancelled for today," without waiting for an answer, he turned, but then looked back into the room. "I don't need to remind you that some form of conversation is expected of you. Answering him in monosyllables- as seems to be custom at our usual dinners- would be rude," he added, and headed down the hall.

Sonea remained standing by her window until she heard his soft footsteps going down the stairs, then checked her reflection in her polished cupboard. Her cheeks were red and she looked anything but cool and reserved. She headed down the stairs and out towards the arena.

--

"Takan has really outdone himself today, Akkarin. Is there a special occasion?" Lorlen asked as he and Akkarin entered the dining room and took their seats around a table laden with Sachakan and Kyralian delicasies.

"Just celebrating the fact that your workload has eased enough for you to dine with your old friend," Akkarin said, as Takan entered with a bottle of wine and poured three glasses. He turned to him, annoyed. "Takan, where is Sonea? I told her not to be late-"

There was a soft rustling of robes at the door and she appeared in the doorway. "Excuse me for keeping you waiting, High Lord, Administrator," she said nervously and settled down in the seat Takan had drawn out for her. Her eyes met those of Akkarin's, which were focused on her with slight annoyance and curiosity as a predator's might be on their prey. She looked down at her plate hurriedly.

Lorlen greeted her warmly, and they started eating. Sonea mostly stayed silent but answered in an interested manner whenever she was adressed directly. But no matter how light hearted the High Lord and Administrator's conversation was, it felt to Sonea as if she and Akkarin were trapped in their own tense little bubble, and no exterior force could intervene with it's intensity.

--

Akkarin knew she wasn't aware of it, but his eyes strayed to Sonea constantly as they ate. One part of him was keeping up with Lorlen as he listened to his latest discovery about the city murders, but his eyes were following the curve of Sonea's collarbone up to the soft, pale skin of her jawline and chin, then to her long dark lashes and eyebrows, and her dark hair which she had let out tonight of the band which usually held it. The candlelight bathed her in a warm glow. He wanted to reach out and trace the downward curve of her lips...

"How is your Aunt and Uncle Sonea? I've heard you're providing a few neccesities for them and your little cousins. Is there anything more they need?" Lorlen asked Sonea, and both Akkarin and Sonea gave a small start and returned to the present. Sonea glanced up to meet Akkarin's warning glance. She turned to Lorlen, "They're well, Administrator. I try and visit them as often as possible, bringing a few essentials now and then. Though you know how proud Jonna can be, so I hardly ever bring them any money, just clean cloth, vegetables and so forth," she answered, hoping her voice sounded casual. Akkarin gave her a slight nod.

The rest of the evening passed with Akkarin and Lorlen doing most of the talking and Sonea concentrating on her food. As they moved on with their wine to the sitting room, Sonea excused herself and bid them goodnight. Akkarin watched her as she headed up the stairs.

"What is this preoccupation you have with that girl, Akkarin?" Lorlen asked quietly, sipping his wine.

Akkarin composed himself. "Nothing, Lorlen."

"I'm not blind, you know, my friend. And even though I cannot read you like an open book, I can still tell when something has capured your interest, even though those incidents are very rare," Lorlen continued. "That's why I'm so intruiged. In my many years of knowing you, very few things seemed to have... captured your interest like this, especially after you returned from your travels."

Akkarin pursed his lips and took a sip from his glass, pointedly remaining silent. _What could I tell him, anyway? I don't really have a plausible excuse other than the truth... which he would find horrifying._

Lorlen sighed. "It seems that as time passes, you become more and more secretive, and you don't seem to trust me to know anything anymore." He set down his unfinished glass abruptly. "It's getting late, and I have a meeting with the Heads of Disciplines tomorrow morning."

Akkarin stood and escorted his friend to the door. He stood out there long after Lorlen's robed figure disappeared into the distance and looked out at the gardens bathed in moonlight, not really seeing it at all. _Where on earth can this lead? _He asked himself. _Nowhere. _It was a dead end, where his emotions were leading him.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

Sonea woke up with a gasp so loud she feared it would wake the whole guild. Drenched in sweat and concentrating on nothing but keeping her breathing even, she sat up in bed and stayed still until her frantic heart beat slowed to a steadier rhythm. Only then did she look up and take in her surroundings, trying to stop flashbacks of her dream from playing in front of her eyes.

The colour seeping into her room told her it was nearly dawn; the grounds were still quiet. She got up and opened her window wide, leaning on the window pane and taking great gulps of the cool air until her head stopped spinning. The could still see the dark robes covering her mouth to muffle her scream, feel the jolts of pain rippling through her body as a hand sent her scorching heatstrikes everytime she struggled...

Sonea shuddered and shook her head to dismiss the images and sensations. It wasn't the first time she had a nightmare like this one ever since that night. It was always the same. She would watch as _he_ entered the room, and would feel wonderful as he kissed her gently. But then the atmosphere would change in one swift movement when his controlled, loving caress became one of merciless hunger, until she was sobbing so hard she could hardly see his cruel smile through her tears.

Despite being terrible moments to experience while asleep, it did make Sonea look at the events of that night in a better perspective. The situation could have easily turned into the one in her nightmare. She didn't know Akkarin well enough to assure herself that he had enough self-control not to take it to such extremes. Perhaps he would have if he had continued... She shuddered, and somewhat hated herself for letting her desire overrule her common sense. It was obvious Akkarin had had every intention of raping her that night. She should have been thinking of how she could reveal his crimes instead of how things would have been if she consented.

But then again, what could she have done? She had kept quiet under his blackmail about many things, and she would have to this time aswell. Sonea had no doubt that he was serious about his threats. Rothen would suffer, after all he had done for her... _No, I mustn't say anything_, Sonea reasoned. The risk was too great.

She ignored the small voice in her head which told her he hadn't actually done anything that night that she hadn't _wanted_ him to do. Gathering her things and heading out, she figured she might as well have an extra half hour at the baths than she usually had. Perhaps the long soak would clear her head of these thoughts.

-

It was an uneventful day, or even if there had been anything significant, Sonea was so distracted that she would barely have noticed it. Her heart rate increased as the High Lord's residence loomed into view, the stone an odd purple-grey from the twilight. This was a reaction she had often had ever since she became his novice. But only now did Sonea acknowledge that it wasn't only racing out of fear.

She stopped dead in her tracks. _Thats it! I sort this out right here and now, _Sonea said to herself. She was sick of her emotions being in such a mixed-up state. She felt like she'd lost control of herself, and hated the feeling. She turned on her heel and headed into the gardens. Hiding her bag of books under some low bushes, she walked at a steady pace between the small, maze-like hedges, until her breathing was deep and slow, and her stride was steady. Picking a secluded spot between a hedge and a large tree, she lay back into the cold grass. It wasn't very comfortable, lying on wet ground just as the sun was setting and the air getting chilly, but it soothed her thoughts immediately.

After a few minutes, she began to think about the emotions she had been feeling recently. It completely exhausted Sonea, mentally and emotionally, to be in Akkarin's presence- that much she was certain of. And she knew he was attracted to her... for some reason. He was also dangerous, powerful, and not to be trusted. _They why do I shiver in delight everytime he looks at or talks to me? Why am I attracted to him? Is it simply lust or something more? _So many questions which she couldn't trust herself to answer.

A cold breeze blew through the garden as the last rays of the sun disappeared and the sky turned a dark purple. Heading back to the hedge to pick up her books, Sonea walked towards the residence at last, the temperature not the only reason she felt so numb.

The door opened at her slightest touch, and she was disappointed yet also relieved not to see Akkarin in one of his usual chairs with a book or letter. She went up the stairs softly and put her books on her desk, then changed from her grass-stained novice's robes into a plain grey dress. When she went back downstairs, Akkarin was standing at the window, body tense and eyes fixed on a distant point. Guessing he was having a mental conversation, she turned and was about to head to the dining room when Akkarin's gaze returned to the present and he acknowledged her presence with a nod. "Hello, Sonea- back at last, I see."

"I'm sorry if I've kept you waiting, High Lord, I... I stayed behind for a few minutes to ask some questions about the lesson," Sonea answered quickly. _Stop being so uncomfortable!_ She scolded herself. It was bad enough to be stammering- she shouldn't be blushing as well.

Akkarin didn't seem to have noticed, or perhaps he was simply used to people stammering in his imposing presence, or perhaps his piercing gaze was looking much deeper into Sonea than her mere words. "I shall not be dining with you tonight- a meeting has come up in the city. Takan will provide for you. Goodnight," he said in a reserved manner.

Sonea couldn't hold his gaze and looked down. "Goodnight."

By the time she looked back up, she heard the soft closing of his basement door.

"My Lady? Would you prefer to eat in your room?" asked Takan, coming out of the basement and closing the door securely behind him.

Sonea swallowed and nodded, "Yes please, Takan." She headed silently up to her room and lay on her bed. _What is wrong with you? Why this sudden disappointment? _His curt manner had stung her somewhat, but she didn't understand why. He had always been cold towards her. Why did it matter to her _now?_

Ignoring her tray of luscious food, she lay back and closed her eyes, feeling drained.

-

She awoke to the sounds of footsteps going up the stairs, and a door shutting loudly. Sonea turned sleepily and winced in pain at her cramped muscles after having fallen asleep fully clothed and in an awkward posture. _How considerate of him to place me in a bedroom right across from the staircase, in a residence full of bedrooms... by all means, stomp up and down as hard as you can... it's only 3 in the morning after all... _Sonea thought sarcastically, then with a sigh, got up and tied her hair back. Guiltily, she picked up her tray of uneaten food and decided she might as well take it to the kitchen and get rid of it without Takan seeing. He got ever so upset when his food was wasted...

The hallway was dark but a faint strip of light spilled from under Akkarin's bedroom's door. So he had finally returned from his mysterious meeting. If it was a meeting at all. Sonea headed down the stairs and towards the kitchen, being as swift and silent as possible. She smiled when she reached the kitchen without having made a sound. She was glad to have maintained some of the skills she had acquired in the slums.

After carefully disposing of the cold food, she left the empty plates on the table and crept back up the stairs. The light in Akkarin's bedroom was still on. Just as Sonea was about to head across to her own room, she heard faint footsteps from behind Akkarin's door. Her heart felt like it had leapt to her throat. All she could do was crouch near the stairs and hope the darkness hid her well, because in the next moment, his door had opened and Sonea could make out his shadow among the light that spilled forth.

Judging from the shape of the shadow, he didn't have the upper part of his robes on. Sure enough, as Akkarin moved into her line of sight, Sonea could see he was wearing a black vest instead, and was holding his hands at arm's length. They seemed a shade darker... or was it because of the lighting?

Thankfully, he had his back to her, so Sonea took the chance to slowly transfer her weight from her knees to her feet, easing the ache. The position gave her a chance to lean a little more forward, see what he was doing more clearly... and she forgot all thoughts of concealing her presence, letting out a loud gasp. His hands were stained with blood.

Immediately, Akkarin spun around in one swift movement and his eyes locked with hers. Sonea's hand flew to her mouth but it was too late.

"Sonea," he said softly.

Sonea winced, but then realised his voice held to trace of annoyance. Instead, it seemed almost... pleading.

"Sonea," he repeated, now much more sharply, "What are you doing over there?"

Sonea's mouth was completely dry. "I- I..." but all she could do was gaze at his hands."I'm sorry," she finished worriedly.

He stood silent for a moment, then inclined his head. "Come here please. I've sent Takan to the city for an... errand, so can you assist me for a moment?" he asked calmly. But his reserved exterior didn't fool Sonea. He had spent a considerable amount of power. She could sense that it had diminished a little.

Sonea straightened and took tentative steps towards him. Her initial fear had disappeared and she felt common sense kicking in. He was perhaps injured, the blood his own. Easily, he may have been caught unaware and stabbed by some thief while in the city, and may not have healed himself properly because his power was diminished. _Though what could have made him use so much power in the first place?_

As she drew closer to him, she could see he was leaning heavily on the door. Akkarin pointed at a ceramic bowl in his room. "Could you please fill it with water and bring it to me," he said, more of a statement rather than a request. Not that Sonea would have dared refuse- she was too intrigued by the questions in her mind. Hurriedly, she stepped into his bedroom- feeling as if she had entered an area full of landmines- and took the simple but heavy bowl to the bathroom and filled it with cold water. Her fingers were slippery with sweat so she clung onto the bowl so tightly her knuckles were white.

When she returned and set it down on his table, he was sitting on the bed. When he saw her he stood up tentatively and reached for a linen cloth, dipping it into the water and washing the blood from his hands. Sonea peered closely but she could see no injuries, on his hand or anywhere else. She felt her body stiffen slightly with fear. _So it isn't his blood after all._

"That will be all, Sonea, thank you," he said, jolting her back to the present. Sonea stared at him. Surely he didn't expect her to just stroll back into bed and pretend she hadn't seen this? Then realisation hit her. She now had witnessed something he hadn't wanted her to see. It was perhaps even proof of an act of murder. _I now have something to use against him, _she thought. Blackmail wasn't something she had ever used, but it seemed fair enough... in the circumstances.

"What have you done," she said to him, her voice coming out smaller than she wanted it to be.

For a moment Akkarin seemed taken aback by the fact that she had refused to go after being dismissed. Then he raised an eyebrow and his eyes grew colder. "What I have or haven't done is of no concern to you, Sonea. Goodnight," he answered, with a finality in his tone.

_He will not get rid of me that easily_, thought Sonea. She was suddenly feeling a little angry, and fed up both with the situation he had put her in and for her own confusing desire. "That blood isn't your own. What have you done," she repeated.

Akkarin looked extremely annoyed for a moment, then his expression became more morose. "Yes, the blood isn't my own. And what I've done is merely defend both myself and the Guild. Now please leave."

Sonea contemplated his words. It was very likely he was lying, but she decided not to use this as blackmail yet. She would let this slide, for now. At least now he knew that she had something to use against him_. The knowledge of that would be a subtle little form of blackmail in itself anyway_, she thought. _Besides, I'm never one to jump into sudden decisions without considering them first, especially not at 4 in the morning._

Sonea gave him an incredulous look and inclined her head only, without a bow. "Goodnight, High Lord," she answered, then walked back to her bedroom.

-

Akkarin watched her leave. When he heard her door close, he threw the cloth back into the bowl and lay back on the bed. _How, how could I have been so careless? _He frowned. The fight with the latest Sachakan slave had taken more of his power than he had calculated, and by the time he had killed him and gotten back through the passage into the residence, he had forgotten Takan wouldn't be there to draw power from. He was away in a meeting with the thieves, projecting any important decisions they came to through the blood gem.

He cursed himself for his absentmindedness. But then again, he hadn't thought he would use enough power to need to draw from Takan again. He shook his head in anger. _That is no excuse. Look what you have done now. _Sonea had seen him in that state and of course it was bound to bring up questions. _Questions to which she knows I have all the answers._

Akkarin sighed, untied his hair and dimmed the lamp. Lying back, he rubbed his forehead in exhaustion.

_I have long owed her an explanation_, he thought. _If I don't provide that soon, she might take the wrong actions._


	5. Chapter 5

_Author's Note:_

_Please note that this is an AU (Alternate Universe) fic in which the events I write about could coincide with the actual events that happened in the trilogy itself. Those parts are far and few in between, but they help give a sense of time and form so it somewhat follows the actual event in the book but with a different direction and situations._

Chapter 5

Sonea sat down and leaned on a tree, content to close her eyes and simply listen to the soft slosh of the small stream's cold, crisp water. It felt good, for once in the entire week, not to think about Akkarin and the questions which had been in her head ever since that night. But her relief was short-lived as a soft rustle in the grass immediately jerked her to her feet.

Akkarin, black robed and composed even in the bright sunlight, stepped into her line of vision. He had an ever so slightly irritated expression on his face.

"Sonea. I need to speak with you for a moment," he said, and Sonea realised the irritation didn't reflect onto his voice. He sounded somewhat resigned, in fact.

"Alright," she answered warily, and sat down, feeling odd when he sat next to her. She could see the dull shine of his hair, the slight bags under his eyes which weren't there before, the texture of his lips which were pulled in a grim, straight line. _Not again. Not now... _she thought, as feelings which she had thought were gone surfaced again. But of course they wouldn't go. It had only been a week that she hadn't felt it... _and that was only because I was avoiding him_, Sonea added.

She tentatively leaned on a boulder and studied him without being too obvious. He seemed lost in thought for a moment, then his eyes met hers and he began his explanation. Sonea listened carefully, not only to the words but to how is tone changed at times, how his expression shifted slightly, how his body tensed as unpleasant memories were scanned over and relaxed when recalling his relief at returning to the Guild. One part of her was focused on him, the other part marvelling silently at the fact that she had managed to hold his piercing gaze ever since he began.

She didn't realise the time passing until Akkarin paused and got to his feet, crossing his arms. Sonea couldn't stop staring at the spot where she couldn't see, but knew, he bore the thin scars. Now she knew they had been numerous dagger cuts. "Go to your lessons now, Sonea. My favourite does not skip classes." The amusement in his tone was subtle and Sonea doubted she would have noticed it before today. The realisation gave her some satisfaction to have deciphered even just a little of the man she felt attracted to.

All of a sudden, she realised she couldn't hold his gaze anymore. "Yes, High Lord."

There. He had done it. He had spilled out what he had kept even from his best friend to his novice. With as little emotion as he could have thought possible, but still, he had gotten it out of his mouth. The humiliation, the heartache, he had recounted everything at it's basic facts to Sonea.

Akkarin stood up and walked into the dining room, sighing appreciatively at the delicious smells wafting from the kitchens. He set his glass of sumi on the table and moved over to the window, leaning out to breathe in the fresh earthy smell. It was raining heavily. Surprisingly, he didn't feel as vulnerable as he thought he would have after revealing such a painful part of his past. Instead, he felt... light. A weight was slightly off his chest. Oh it was still there, but a dull throb which seemed overshadowed by his life as it was now, right now. Slightly overshadowed by Sonea's presence, the memories slightly substituted by a new worry- what did Sonea think of him now that he had revealed things he never had?

He sensed her presence in the room even before she bid him good evening and took her seat at the end of the table. He answered similarly, and with a final glance out the window streaked with drops of rain, Akkarin turned to take his seat. He could feel that those expressive dark eyes were focused on him, but he still didn't look up. He admit to himself that he feared to see what would be reflected in them. Disgust? Pity? Even _more_ hate? Each possibility seemed more heart-searing that the other.

But then again, he had never been the type of man to back down from a difficult task or confrontation. He was a calculated risk-taker, but a risk-taker nonetheless who had braced himself against disappointment countless times. What was so different now?

He looked up with narrowed eyes, and couldn't tear his gaze away when he did. The way the candlelight lit her soft features... she had changed into her plain, dark green dress which he had seen her in many times, but somehow, tonight, he felt like it accentuated her frame, her small curves; not very womanly, but strong. Her lips looked warm and smooth, her eyes lovely to him despite the bags under them which revealed her tiredness. Her shoulders were tense though, and her breath didn't seem steady. But as she reached for the plates Takan set out her grip was calm and firm. Why was she nervous? Surely she wasn't frightened? Or was it an intense wave of hate? All the previous doubts and fears arose within Akkarin and somehow they weighed heavier as he watched her. So he tore his eyes away and concentrated on the meal.

"Did you make sure you had all the notes for the lesson you missed, Sonea?" he asked in an attempt to both shatter the silence and ease the slight lump in his throat.

She seemed to be experiencing a similar constriction, for she coughed slightly and put down her wine fast. "Yes, High Lord. And went to detention with Lord Jorval as you... suggested," she answered, putting emphasis on the last word. Akkarin could not help but half-smile amusedly at her explanation, her heart lifting considerably at her tone. So she wasn't frightened or hateful after all... then why the nerves...?

"I expect after the ordeal with young Regin last year, most wouldn't believe you'd be getting special treatment- but an example needed to be set."

"I understand," Sonea answered, helping herself to some pachi fruit. "In any case, I used to help Lady Tya often in the library, so I got it done fairly quickly."

"I see," Akkarin took a sip of his sumi.

That seemed to put an end to the conversation, but Akkarin contented himself with glancing up every once in a while when Sonea was concentrating on her food. He watched her delicately bite into the fruit and lick her lips to get it's crisp sweetness. His hands clenched into fists.

Despite her outward indifference, Sonea seemed to be mirroring his actions. Her chest rose and fell a little too fast, as if the dress was constricting her despite it's loose and comfortable-looking fit.

Sonea fought to keep her actions steady and slow, but she could practically feel those eyes fixed on her with excruciating intensity. How could he be so damn _focused_ like that... it was extremely unnerving and pushing her already tense nerves. Why wouldn't he just stop? Sonea was afraid of herself at this point. There was a tension inside her that she felt had been building... and his gaze certainly wasn't helping her keep it in check.

Extremely aware of his attention on each of her actions, she put down her knife and dabbed at her mouth with the napkin. "Thank you Takan, it was delicious," she said to the servant, who nodded in reply. Pushing back her chair, she rose and hoped her shaky- _why were they shaky_?- legs would hold her upright. "Goodnight, High Lord," she said as calmly as she could. He cocked an eyebrow- _why was he making this so difficult for her?_- and asked, "turning in so soon? Don't you have an evening class with Lord Yikmo tonight?"

"He got a sword injury while teaching a class yesterday, the Healers have advised him to take rest for the remainder of the week," Sonea answered, grateful for the change of subject to studies.

Akkarin stood up with an understanding nod. "Please relay my sympathies. I've heard his third years are an overly enthusiastic bunch," he added with a small smile. Sonea felt like her heart had lodged itself permanently in her throat.

"I shall," she managed to say, then inclined her head in a small bow. That voice... that way he held himself... she didn't know what absurdity she'd have uttered had she stayed in that room with him a moment longer.

_What is wrong with me?_ She asked for the thousandth time. _Alright, now that I know his reasons, I sympathise. I understand and respect him for the things he's had to do. But among these, when did such strong, focused desire come up? _It seemed as if the foolish feelings that had simmered at the surface of her emotions ever since that night had suddenly plunged deep below the surface, gone to her core and was even trying to override common sense.

Akkarin was watching her with a hint of worry in his eyes. Sonea flinched, even though that one was probably the softest of his gazes she had ever recieved. _Please stop, just stop..._ She managed a polite but strained smile and turned towards the staircase.

He watched her turn around and head up the stairs. Strands of her dark hair swayed free of the knot. He watched the movement until some impulse overruled him. He didn't know what excuse he was going to give; all he knew was that he needed to be in her presence, just a little, a little longer. "Sonea."

Her shoulders tensed and she turned around warily.

"I have some books which might interest you regarding the ah... subjects I told you of yesterday by the spring," Akkarin said tentatively. "If you could come to the library sometime tonight so I can give them to you, I'd appreciate it."

Something flickered in Sonea's eyes and she cleared her throat. "I'll be there."

Akkarin nodded and picked up his glass, heading out the door and towards the sitting room, trying to unclench his fist hidden in the large sleeves of his robe. Despite all the self-restraint and protocol he knew after years of dealing with the members of the Houses, he was unfamiliar when it came to putting a leash on desire.

He sat down and sighed, bringing the glass to his lips and dimming the lights. _What in the name of the Allied Lands possessed me_? He had just prolonged the torture by asking to see her again tonight.


	6. Chapter 6

_Author's Note:_

_This is the last chapter. I was thinking whether to write until it rejoins the actual plot of the book but decided to leave it at this length and open to interpretation. Thanks to everyone who's taken the time to read this Xx_

Chapter 6

Sonea sat down heavily on the end of the marble bathtub and rested her head in her arms. Had he noticed how tense she was in his presence? How she had been fighting to keep from staring at him like some lust-filled fool? Or restraining her jaw muscles from blurting out something she'd definately regret later? Sonea moaned. But ofcourse he had. He must be finding it amusing and unimportant; a mere intimidated novice with a crush on him. He was probably recalling how her hands had shook with suppressed emotion while in his room right now, his lips curled at a corner to that sly smirk.

She stood up and splashed cold water on her face from a bowl by the mirror, the same bowl she had given him that night when she saw his bloody hands... "Oh, enough!" She said to herself, throwing down the linen towel and stepping out of the bathroom. Why did every small thought lead to _him?_ She needed to put a stop to this. She'd walk into that library tonight, composed and focused, and act toward him with indifference. She'd get the books and leave, and do her best to supress these foolish urges. _This is not like you. Where is that stubborn Sonea with those earth-bound morals when you need her? _she asked herself annoyedly, then shook her head in despair.

She retied her hair tightly and took a deep breath. She was going to get this over with and act as indifferent as anything. With a nod, she smoothed her dress and headed down the stairs and towards the shiny, blackwood door which led to the room she knew he spent a lot of time in. She had always thought this was a library, but recently had realised it was also his own small study.

She knocked, but her hands didn't seem to be obeying her fully, and her knock sounded uneven and tentative instead of the two sharp taps she had wanted.

"Come in," he said from the other side. There was an unnatural huskiness to his voice that Sonea had never heard before. Oh, she had heard that cultured, imposing voice change many times for many people, ranging from cold cruelty to genuine fondness. But she knew for certain she had never heard that voice like this. Velvety. Soft. Dangerously so, almost.

She pushed open the door and closed it carefully behind her. She heard a swish of robes as he got up and nodded in acknowledgement as she bowed quickly. He walked up to one of the shelves- even such a common action coming from him was edged with elegance and authority- and picked up two old volumes with care.

Sonea looked at them, marvelling at how well they must have been taken care of so as not to fall apart. One had faint ink stains on it and was quite small, the other large and dusty and looked less personal and more like a textbook.

"I don't think I need to tell you that these are quite valuable and ancient," Akkarin said as Sonea carefully took them from him, taking utmost care not to touch his hand. He cleared his throat and his voice dropped an octave. "It would be... wise... for no one but Takan and myself to know about these. Keep them hidden from anyone else at all times," he said pointedly.

Sonea looked at him, keeping her gaze steady to show she understood and wouldn't betray this trust. "I will."

He didn't look away. Neither did she. It was the first time Sonea remembered being able to hold that intense gaze for that long.

She couldn't see why, but she could sense that there was a sudden, subtle shift in the mood of the room. Suddenly the weak candlelight wasn't an inconvenience, the musty smell of paper wasn't stifling, the blackwood of the walls and furniture weren't oppressing. Instead the light was soft, the smell was comforting, the colour was sensual.

"In that case..." he answered softy, his words trailing away.

And then he closed the distance between them gracefully.

Akkarin lifted a finger to trace her lips and jawline, coming to rest on her chin. His touch was faint and uncertain; he was unsure of her reaction. But she didn't move away; she didn't move at all. Her gaze held his steadily.

That was all the confirmation he needed. In one movement, he lifted her chin so his lips could meet hers.

Akkarin was surprised to feel the barely contained force behind Sonea's kiss. He had expected tentativeness, anxiety, had even braced himself for a rejection. Instead she was responding to his every move.

He leaned down and trailed kisses up her neck, breathing deeply. He didn't want to frighten her, but he couldn't slow his actions any further, couldn't suppress such welcome, reviving desire any longer. Supporting her hips against his own with one hand, he walked them forward until her legs bumped into his desk and she lay back on it, her heart beating frantically. He could feet it against his hand as he leaned onto her.

Her breathing was swift and ragged, her hands clenched fistfuls of his black robe. She desperately wanted to go on, she really did. Her body was certainly telling her she really did. But suddenly the image from one of her nightmares flashed into her mind. _Akkarin holding her down easily, a hand around her neck keeping her only half-concious as she sobbed in pain and fear... "Go on then, send a mental call... endager yet even more of your loved ones, Sonea"... he laughs quietly... _She gasped and pushed him gently but firmly away from her, then sat upright. Akkarin straightened, swiftly composing himself, except for his shaking hands and understanding, yet defeated, eyes.

"W-wait," Sonea breathed, "I..."

Akkarin nodded and stepped back, leaving her a clear path to the door. "I understand." There was a dull ache in his chest which threatened to sharpen. The line that divided them because of their difference in status had dissolved away. He knew that right now, they were equals and she was very much capable of hurting him with her words.

Sonea could see he was expecting this rejection, had accepted it. This converted some of her fear into anger.

"No, you don't," she answered determinedly. "I..." she lifted a trembling hand to cup his face, and finally her fear poured out of her mouth. "I really want... _need_... this. But... that night... you frightened me. I had always known, having the power you do, you could be capable of anything but I... I wasn't expecting you would actually attempt such a thing, not when I was just... just beginning to trust you."

Every word was a knife stab he had brought upon himself.

Akkarin looked up and met her questioning dark eyes. "I was a fool filled with a hunger I had forgotten how to control and hadn't felt for years. You... you have every right to feel distrust. And I was wrong to assume otherwise. Forgive me," he tore his gaze away.

Sonea took a deep breath and slid off the desk. She took a step towards him, and then another. Her body was telling her to acknowledge that she had responded to him even that night, when things could have easily turned violent. Right now, when he looked safe- _well, relatively_- she was once again responding to him. Things were clear, as far as her mind was concerned. But her heart was full of questions, full of fears, full of uncertainty and a reluctance to reveal itself.

"What are you thinking?," he asked nervously.

Sonea wet her lips nervously and stepped close enough to touch. He stood utterly still.

"I... I feel like, now that I also know your reasons... I can grow to trust you over time."

"And yet...?" It was a strained, quiet question. His tone sounded as if he was waiting for the fatal blow.

Sonea closed her eyes and swallowed, then when she spoke, her voice was steady and had an underlying fierceness to it. "And yet, I want to ignore all the obstacles and questions and just let you continue."

His tight face relaxed somewhat. "Although I have hardly justified it recently, if you need it, I can be patient."

Her head seemed clearer than it had been for a long time. "I don't think _I_ can."

It was as if whatever things had been restraining both of them suddenly snapped in half. They reached for eachother at the same time, him with a hunger that threatened to devour them, her accepting everything he gave welcomingly. Thoughts of trust, rank difference, age difference, were abandoned.

She let him push her back on the desk and just continue the kiss, nothing else. His hands stayed resting on her shoulders, the weight of his body comforting instead of restricting. She could feel a tension building in her body and though the kiss was lovely, it wasn't enough. In a bold movement, she curled her hands to grab fistfuls of black robes and pull him towards herself. He chuckled softly and gently untangled her hands from his robes, standing back to remove the outer garment.

Sonea waited with difficulty, her chest rising and falling rapidly. Just as he reached to pull the robes over his head, he dropped them and hooked one arm under Sonea's legs and the other under her back.

"Wha- " He cut her off as he lifted her as if she weighed nothing and headed down the hall with her in his arms.

"I very much doubt that desk was all that comfortable," he whispered in her ear. She could hear that half-smile in his voice.

They entered a dark room in which he created a small globelight and made it jump from spot to spot until Sonea understood that it was splitting into smaller pieces to illuminate the whole place softly. There weren't bright, but she could see the dark blue wallpaper and a window with a view of the Guild gardens, pale in the moonlight. The lights were mainly on the small desk so when he lay her on the bed she could only see his silhouette. But as the globelight moved around, his features were lit up.

It was unnerving somewhat to be the sole focus of that dark, unwavering gaze. She couldn't have known that at that same moment, he had been thinking the same thing about her's.

Sonea suddenly felt an odd sort of passion. She was in his room, in his bed. It was so much more personal, so much more real.

He must have felt the subtle difference too, for the desire in his eyes had intensified as he stood and slowly removed his robes. There was something both frightening and sensual about the way he was looking at her. Her breath hitched in her throat as his hands slowly but firmly pulled her dress over her head, tossed it aside.

It was such a relief to finally let go of the leash that held both of their desire and let it consume them. Though her movements were erratic and inexperienced, his were firm and self-assured despite the underlying intensity. So she let him lie her back and kiss her until her heart raced, caress her until her body felt too weak to withstand anything more. It was a long time before either of their desire was quenched enough for them to get some sleep.

Light behind his eyes woke Akkarin. Slanted, pink sunlight of the dawn was drifting into the room. A ray was illuminating Sonea's face. He smiled at her sleeping form and trailed a finger down the curve of her bare back. _It's a priceless thing_, he thought, _to see her so peaceful. _His gaze trailed lazily over the bedside, over the armchair which held the clothes they had flung aside with fierce force. Black robes with a glittering incal, the simple novice's dress...

Realisation hit him. This was bad. This was very bad. This was another huge worry to add to his list. _What have you done? _a mental voice rang out, scolding it's host. _You have undermined everything you've tried so hard to build! You bedded your own novice! A fine chance there is of the Higher Magician's believing it was out of mutual desire. They'd find this sick, even forced... who knows what they could presume. _Akkarin tore his eyes away from the sight that so blatantly gave away the difference in their status.

To him, it was next to no importance. She could have been the lowliest dwell from the Outer Circle or the niece of the King himself, he wouldn't care. Sonea was Sonea.

But _they_ wouldn't understand. Oh, there were _so_ many things they wouldn't understand about him.

As he watched Sonea's sleeping form, he instantly knew distancing himself was out of the question. It had been excruciatingly painful to tear himself away and leave Sonea shocked and confused on her bed that night, and to force this on either of them again would be too difficult to bear. And- Akkarin sat up on his elbows and considered carefully- it would be uneccesary as well. Why not hide this? Continue and hide this? He could hide his thoughts from everyone at the Guild, and he could easily teach Sonea how to make her mind undetected too. Their paths rarely crossed during the day anyway, and at night... no one spent the night at his residence except for Sonea, himself, and Takan. Takan's trust was out of the question anyway. Akkarin knew the man wouldn't utter a single word without his own consent. They owed eachother that much. He would find a way to make this work, he would. But it all depended on whether Sonea wanted it herself...

His mind was racing, going over every possible give-away, every possible loophole that could be avoided, even though all he wanted to do was erase all thought from his mind and just lie in her arms serenely. But then a soft sigh escaped Sonea's slightly swollen lips, and she stirred.

As her eyes opened slowly, Akkarin leaned in to brush his lips against hers. He could feel the small smile her lips slowly stretched into at the contact. As he pulled away, her smile lost some of it's carefreeness and her eyes focused properly. "I..."

"Good morning," Akkarin said gently.

She closed her mouth slowly and some of the worry in her eyes cleared away. "Good morning."

When neither of them could find words to continue with, she tentatively got up, keeping the sheets around her hips as she reached for her dress. Akkarin's worry sharpened as he noticed her slight wince when she moved. "Are you all right?"

Sonea nodded and gave a small, strained smile. "I'm fine. I just need to... take a hot bath," she finished sheepishly.

Oh. Yes. She had been inexperienced indeed. Akkarin was glad to remember that he had been able to leash his desire long enough to be extremely gentle, at least at first, when he had realised the responsibility on himself. She looked fine otherwise. But there was still that worry in her eyes, still the hasty look around his room as if she was telling herself she should _not_ be in here. He could feel a close resemblance to what he himself had been feeling.

He wanted to soothe her nerves, wanted to explain his little 'plan' and find out whether she was willing to continue this. But his heart ached to see her grimace ever time she moved, even though she looked emotionally perfectly fine. "Take all the time you need. It's a freeday," he said with a voice that he hoped sounded reassuring.

"Yes, " she agreed. Then, tentatively, she asked in a shy, anxious voice, "Should I return when I'm done?"

Something constricting his chest seemed to loosen. It was as if an invisible weight was being lifted.

"I would like that very much," he answered softly, gratefully.


End file.
